...nothing to the table

i thought i had considered everything: the possibility that my birthmother will not want contact, the possibility that she is dead, that she still wishes she hadn't had me, that she regrets giving me up, that she will overwhelm me or i will overwhelm her with contact once our identities are known to each other... and many others. i have spend the conscious part of 35 years considering possibilities. a new one occurred to me this morning. everyone is familiar with the fantasy life of the adoptee. especially as young children we all go through the phases of fantasty where we are reconnected with our biological mother and she is amazingly famous and beautiful and wealthy and everything Beverly Hills or Washington DC is made of. (depending on your particular bent on the fame factor.) then we come to a place where we acknowledge that the chances are much more likely that our biological families are much like all the other families we know. normal. maybe even kind of boring. flawed. human. this reality is much more of a relief than one might expect. but as we grow and progress through our idea and impressions about who our bio peeps might be, we start to acknowledge that their lives did not stop when we were born. they have moved on just as we have and they have possibly created new genetic relatives, expanded the family tree that we only kind of belong to. there are probably genetic siblings and cousins and second-cousins and cousins with some kind of removal quality that i have never ever understood. herein lies the new panic reaction.... i bring nothing to this potential reunion. what if my bio mom is one of those bio moms who wonders about other relatives? what if she has some kind of sweet fantasy that she has genetic grandchildren? what if she wants to meet them? what if she only thinks i am valuable to her world because i might have maintained a genetic line that she hopes for? but i have nothing to offer except my own little self. my own drab, occasionally troubled, under-achieving self. not even a damn husband! i already have two disappointed, grandchildless parents. do i really want to go through this entire process just to have her look at me with a 'what? it's just you?' expression? it is one possibility.