anxious

tonight i am feeling a bit of anxiety. not hesitation or regret about starting this process; i am quite sure about it for myself. i am feeling anxious about the moment that is likely about to crash my birthmother's life. i have some guilt about this. for over 35 years my biological relatives-- those who know about me-- have been allowed to go about their business without outside intrusion. undoubtedly they have experienced their own thoughts and feelings about my birth and subsequent adoption-- i certainly don't think that they have forgotten that i ever happened. however, until right now, they have had the relative comfort of suffering/wondering/enjoying only their own part of this triad. to make the decision to thrust myself back into their world, their thoughts, their immediate awareness feels... invasive. even selfish. i don't know the next step in the process. i am guessing that once the adoption agency receives my documents someone from the office will contact me. do i have to meet with one of their social workers? that would only make sense, i guess. but it better not feel like a counseling session or some kind of therapeutic drama. that would irritate me. if i do have to sit down with a social worker, s/he had better be smart and it better be business-only, please. if i wanted a therapist to escort me through this little journey, i would hire one. but i digress.... what i really meant to talk about next is that i hope i have an opportunity to send an "i totally understand if you want to keep things exactly as they are now" message. it is important to me that along with the "i would love to see you, meet you, know more about you" message, there is also a "i truly understand and respect that when you agreed to this arrangement it was with the presence of and future expectation of confidentiality" message. will i get to do that? wow, this is such a mind-fuck. most of the time when it pops into my head it feels very business-as-usual because i have thought about my bio family so many times over the years. there is nothing weird about that. but when i remember that i am actually in the process of trying to locate and perhaps even contact them... then it just feels crazy. crazy-good. mostly. partly crazy-scary and partly crazy-guilty. i know that there are some people who might want to talk me out of the guilt. maybe someday i will be in a different place, but today i feel a bit selfish. yes, i know that adopted kids have a right to know about their origins and a right to wonder and ask questions. yes, i know that there are people who are horrified by the shrouds of mystery and secrecy that envelope closed adoptions. i understand the perspective that views them as traumatic. i simply do not share it. not right now. i think, probably, not ever. i am curious. i would love to know my birth family. in fact, i would really like to write the script and the characters of the potential reunion. that would be one way to be sure it goes smoothly! i want to know. but i am not quite in that place where i believe that i have an absolute and inherent right to know. i am incredibly grateful that my birthmother chose adoption for me. the alternative seems kind of, well, boring from my point of view. not that i would have noticed or anything, but it does seem like not existing would be rather dull. and because i am so grateful for her decision i feel like i should respect that she agreed to this with an expectation of privacy. if there had been no promise of said privacy, would things have gone differently? well, i surely don't know the answer to that, do i? not today, anyway.