this week will be the fifth or sixth time i have completed the information request forms at Lutheran Social Services. i got them when i was 18, completed them, and then did nothing. i requested them again at age 22. same story. 26, again. at age 30, i completed the non-identifying information request and actually returned it. i then received a 6 page letter from LSS which included all of the information my biological mother and father provided at the time of my birth. that was pretty cool. at age 34 i decided that i was ready to learn more if my birth family would allow it and i requested the forms one more time. i filled them out and promptly abandoned the idea again.
now, at 35 1/2, having abandoned my 4-year cycle, i am definitely going to do this. definitely. i called LSS one more time and asked to have the request forms mailed to me. again. it's a strange call to make. trust me, i know this... i have made it 6 times. the person who answers the phone is just chillin' at her desk, doing her job, fulfilling requests. but the caller.... the caller is beginning what is arguably the most significant process of her entire life. so there is this terribly drab and official business interaction going on between strangers that includes the sharing of a current physical address and full (adoptive) name, but what is really being said-- to this complete stranger-- is, "i am an adult adoptee and i want to meet my birth family. and i am going to put that desire right out there for the world to know and for my family to either honor, or reject." holy shit! it is so awkward and so bizarre and so loaded with emotional energy, but in the end it is 4 minutes on the phone. usually the lovely woman who is just doing her job has a kind of expectant energy in her voice by the end of the conversation. she is probably a counselor or social worker so her instinct in a conversation like that is to invite some conversation or processing time, but this is, after all, just a mail request. the most she can really do is offer a very emphatic "Have A Great Day!"
i think the fact that i enjoy the awkwardness of that conversation so much is a definite sign that it is time to move on to the next step. sign the papers, sign the check and let the waiting begin. or end, as the case may be.
1 comment:
I'm quietly smiling at your "time frame". I did the exact same thing over many years, requesting forms, filling them out, putting them in the drawer, requesting again years later...and then again...over & over and then one day, you just can't do it anymore and you find the postage stamp and the courage and off you go. It was so nice to read this and know I'm not totally crazy ;).
I read a few of your current posts but decided to start from the beginning) Best wishes to your on your journey.
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