rivalry

i am driving home from adoption club last night, and as i am about to take a left turn toward my house, i have this eerie thought--for the first time ever-- about potential siblings. i haven't given the sibling idea much thought in the past, for obvious reasons, but after some discussion about sibling drama with reunited adoptees i experienced this horrifying thought.... what if there are other kids and i am jealous of them? followed by: what if i find my mother and then i just want her all to myself? Yuck!! who wants to think about shit like that?? not me! but i did and it freaked me out. i started thinking about whether or not it would be possible to keep my relationship with her completely separate from the fact of the other childrens' existence. then i thought about the possibility that i would like them and wish i could be their real sister... but that seemed unlikely. i am much better at friendship than that whole "sibling" thing. it was weird. it was creepy. i felt like a toddler. but it was real, so i had to go with it for a bit. i don't generally experience a lot of jealousy in my life, but as we have maintained throughout this process, this is a whole new world for me. weird and seemingly inappropriate feelings and responses are par for the course as i delve into mystery reunion land. so as i turned left onto 25th ave. s., i had to give myself time to think about the possibility that i would not want to share. i had always believed that the notion of siblings was a positive one, but it wasn't feeling so positive.

imagine my sheer delight when julie the social worker said, "She wanted me to tell you that she is married, but she has not had any more children."

big grin. it's just me.