the possibility of reunion is making me more vain than i ever imagined being. on a typical day, i do enjoy a good make-up job and a nice hair styling tool, but these things that are going through my head now are a whole new game. thinking about that moment of first sight is the thing that keeps me up at night and part of the reason for this is that i am incredibly distracted by thoughts about how i can make that moment as pleasant as possible. it's definitely more vanity than i ever wanted to exhibit, but truth is truth and i am just going to have to keep telling it. she is the person who made me, after all. i am a reflection of her in a very real way; who would want to disappoint? not me.
so, for that moment when the source of my genetic code first lays eyes on her product, i want to tan my skin, whiten my teeth, color my hair and... well.... if we are being completely honest, sanitize my biography. only some of these things are plausible and only a couple of them will actually happen. and there is that part of me-- which is usually almost all of me-- that just hates myself for all of this, but i can't help it. i don't want to be a disappointment. especially now that i know there are no other children to even the balance, i just want to be acceptable and maybe even pleasing.
my conclusion: birthfamily reunions are flashbacks to middle school, with a twist. i hope my twist comes with a lemon drop martini.
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