flutter flutter flit flit

my heart is all wonky. it is beating all fast and weird and my insides are vibrating again. after my completely useless day of inability to function at my job, i talked to Susan on the phone. then i talked to more people about Susan. then i tried to sleep, but i could really only think about Susan. i was going to try to behave like a normal adult today, but then i got to work and more colleagues were prepared to hear every detail about our first meeting and then while i was talking about how much i love her and miss her and can't wait to see her again--for dinner tonight-- i got an email from her. that's when my heart went all wonky. so many things on my mind, so many things to talk about, so many new and potentially awkward things to navigate. like mother's day. that is coming up, right quickly and it will be our first mother's day and i would really like to make it super-special, but will she think that is weird? now that this blog is linked to Finding Jane Doe, there may be some birthmothers reading this... so, b-moms, would it be weird for me to buy lovely presents and ask to spend time with her on mother's day? just one month after reunion? i don't know!! another unfortunate thing is starting to take hold of some of my thoughts: that sinking sense that i desperately do not want to disappoint her. i fear that she has had an idea of who i would be all built up in her mind for so long and what if i am not that? what if i start telling her more about myself and i catch little hints of disappointment in her beautiful, shiny eyes. it has been so long and this is so wonderful and i already love her so much, i can not stand to think about looking in her eyes and knowing that she is re-aligning her idea of me and settling for who i am instead of who she always thought i would be. ok, screw that, that's a crappy crappy thing to think. moving on. more later.