panic?

i generally do not panic. ever. i don't even startle anymore after those years of employment in residential treatment. sometimes i forget to react at all, even when it is clearly expected.... i don't panic. i don't really worry or get "stressed" either. not often, anyway. flood season tends to have a bit of a negative effect on my psyche, but i am getting over that. to be sure, i am not feeling any sense of panic tonight.... yet. i am going to go to bed soon, and that would be about the time that my mind goes completely wonky with thoughts of all that i could have or should have done or prepared or thought of or arranged prior to meeting Susan. it would be just like my mind to come up with the perfect gift idea at about 3 o'clock am. or to feel as though the meeting won't be right if i don't have a perfectly constructed memory book ready to present to her. but let's be real, i have never and will never construct a memory book of any kind or quality and the perfect gift, the perfect meeting, the perfect words do not exist. i just have to trust that this process will continue to go just as smoothly and beautifully as it already has and know that however it happens is how it is meant to happen. so please, busy mind, let go of the imaginings and rest. let it be. we have the rest of our lives to grow this relationship.... now i must go to bed and lie there, sleepless, with an enormous grin and all of the hope that Susan intended for me from the beginning.