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in theory, i have just one more sleep until the day that i get to meet susan. in reality, there will be no sleep. i would like to sleep so i am not a spaced-out, freaky zombie when my birthmother sees my face for the very first time. but based on the last 4 nights, i am guessing there will just be a lot of thinking and smiling and wondering and flopping all night long. were either of my two faithful readers wondering what i am worrying about these days? ok, i will tell you. lately i have been having a lot of guilt about how my incredible excitement is perceived by adoptive parents. i mean, tomorrow is going to be, like, the biggest day of my life and i am saddened a little bit by the possibility that this fact would make adoptive parents feel minimized. of course, the fact that i have wanted to meet susan my entire life has nothing at all to do with my adoptive parents or how i was raised or the family that i know and love. the joy of reunion is not at all connected to my adoptive parents. but it kind of is. and for this, i feel sad. i have a number of friends who are adoptive parents, and i am grateful for their shared joy in my search experience. but reunion does change things. it changes conversations, it changes language. how do i communicate to my parents that this experience, which looks and feels like a pinnacle in my adult life, is not going to result in a relationship that trumps my love for them? how, when this degree of excitement and joy appears to indicate a "return" to THE primary relationship-- mother and daughter-- do i tell them that they are not being replaced, that they were not temporary? it does change things in ways that cannot be ignored. my parents, in conversation about this stage of my life, are now my "adoptive parents." they have never had a qualifier precede their role before. to qualify 'which' mother i am talking about changes things. i wrote a letter to susan to initiate this search; perhaps the next step for me is to write a letter to maxine to tell her exactly what i am doing and why. to remind her that she is still primary, she is still the source of love and generosity and kindness and strength that made me the person who is capable of making this decision and navigating all of the conflicted emotions that come with it. she is still the mother. the one who suffered through the developmental years and shared in the triumphs and devastations. she is still the one who maintains the title. thankfully, she is also one whose strength will allow her to feel whatever pain might come with learning that i have chosen reunion and delight in the joy that it brings me. and she is the kind of loving mother who will know in her heart that Susan is the reason for all of this, and cannot or should not be a source of worry or intimidation. in the end, i have no doubt that one day Susan and Maxine will meet and it will be beautiful.